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Important Questions on the Minds of Preteens -- and Strategies for Answering
Them
Am I normal?
Do I fit in? Should I fit in?
Why do I feel the way I do?
When do I have to start worrying about taxes?
These are some of the "Important Questions on the Minds of Preteens"
addressed by Rob Lehman, MD, and Julie Metzger, RN, MN, at Preteen Alliance
luncheons held in October and November. Both luncheons were extremely
popular, with long waiting lists. Rob and Julie, who run a series of workshops
for preteens and parents at both Seattle Children's Hospital and Lucile
Packard Children's Hospital, shared insights into how preteens think.
In their talks, Julie and Rob stressed that parents should aim to reassure
their preteens that the changes they are going through are normal, and
offered insights about preteens, as well as suggestions for helping them
through these important years.
Highlights included:
- If it’s hard to have a face-to-face conversation with a preteen
– and some preteens shy away from that -- try side-by-side. The
car works well for this.
- When talking through important issues such as puberty and relationships,
have 200 one-minute conversations, rather than one 200-minute conversation.
Long, one-time discussions may be less effective than short in-the-moment
conversations when opportunities naturally arise.
- In order to connect with your preteen, try extending your comfort
zone. One example – if your preteen refuses to learn to ski, perhaps
you both could learn to snowboard.
- Rather than “fix” their problems for them, let preteens
experience real-life consequences -- such as forgetting their lunch
or missing the bus -- to help them build life-long coping skills.
- Preteens think about sex, even if they’re not talking about
it.
- Preteens really are listening to you, even if they don’t show
it, but that doesn’t mean you have to be the one talking all the
time. They’d like to know that you can listen, too.
- Children at this age continue to need physical affection from their
parents. A hug, is not out of bounds.
- It's helpful if parents foster their preteens' relationships with
a few other close and trusted adults.
Rob and Julie also offered a list of resources
for preteens and adult caregivers. For additional resources for preteens,
visit http://www.preteenalliance.org/services.html.
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